Grief Is A Bitch

griefGrief sucks.

It really, really sucks.

It just keeps on hurting and hurting and hurting…

You feel like you’re getting better and you’re getting a handle on things…

And then WHAMMO!!! It hits you again like a Mack truck! Runs you down like a damn freight train.

I know I have to feel it to be done feeling it, but dammit, I’m sick and tired of feeling it. Oh. My. God. I feel so worn out. So worn out. It’s exhausting, really exhausting. I wish I could fast forward through it. But apparently, that’s not a thing.’

So, I’m feeling it. Oh, am I feeling it. It kinda feels like a never-ending marathon. Yeah, it’s a Grief Marathon. I’ll be endlessly grateful when I see that finish line looming up ahead. But I’m just not there yet. And I have to say, that sucks.
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The Universe Is Working On My Behalf

Ralph Smart's videos make me smile.

Ralph Smart’s videos make me smile. This was a big improvement from how I woke up.

I’ve been meaning to tell you that Ralph Smart’s videos are beyond the bomb-diggity! Beyond! He has a YouTube channel called, Infinite Waters (Diving Deep.) I’m so grateful for his work.He’s really helping me get through a very difficult time in my life.

I hit a major depressive episode in July 2015 when my dad got a lot sicker. I’m still tromping through it, but I definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that part is exhilarating.

So What Happened?

Well, my dad passed away in June of this year. And my 24 year relationship imploded. The sad tries to drown me sometimes.

But Ralph puts me in a stronger heartspace to be able to deal. Sometimes, he just keeps my head above water, like dog paddling. And that’s definitely a big break from being stuck under the water. Quite often, though, after listening to him, I get in a very okay place.

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Decision-Making Is Hard

Do you ever get so confused about something that you have no idea what to do? And it feels like you’re stuck in mud?

Some decisions can really fuck with our heads. There’s really nothing other that you can do than to get quiet and go inside. Go deep inside to your gut and look for your answers. There are many things that can help you on this adventure to discover what’s inside of you.

One of my favorite inner journey tools is actually YouTube. Weird, huh? There’s an entire community of mindful YouTubers that are just awesome. You can find audios of all kinds to help you: hypnosis, subliminal messages, guided meditations, binaural beats, isochronic tones, etc.
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Death Is Nothing At All

Henry Scott HollandWow. Just found this poem on a friend’s Facebook wall. Powerful and gentle at the same time.

I had a very dear and wonderful friend, after whom I named my daughter, who passed away when my daughter was just six months old. And my daughter’s middle name is from my maternal grandmother. Really, it’s a family name — it’s my mother’s middle name, too. My great grandmother started it all, though hers was slightly different.

Her name was Clara Pence (hmm…wonder what her middle name was… going to have to look that up when I get done here,) then her daughter, Clare Mae Pence Roper, then her daughter, Judi Clare Roper Burnett, and then my daughter, Samantha Clare Roberson.

One month after she was born, after I’d signed the birth certificate, I realized that I wanted her legal, full name to be Samantha Clare *Mae* Roberson. I was so disappointed I’d not thought of doing that a month before. It was one of those kick yourself in the butt moments. “Why didn’t I do that?! Ugh!”
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